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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
asylumabsconder's LiveJournal:
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| Monday, March 2nd, 2009 | | 11:27 am |
So, I'm alive. I'm well, though my life has been a bit more chaotic lately. I've found the person I'm going to marry and have children with. It's only been 4 months together and yet it seems like years. It's perfectly crazy. We fight here and there, usually because of misunderstanding and emotional upset, but in the end we always find such similarity in our seemingly opposite perspectives. I think we both know this is right and are making great progress together towards trusting and believing in each other and our future together. It's nothing like any relationship I've been in before. I think she's the first Daddy's Girl I've been so close to, and I think I should have been seeking them all along. And of course I'm "like her dad in a lot of ways" so it works out. Anyways, well there's been some craziness around work and money and home a little too. My life's accumulated quite the mess and I feel like it's time to really clean things up and get ready for the future. | | Saturday, January 3rd, 2009 | | 5:01 pm |
continued...
So it seems I only feel like writing these days when my mind is bringing me down. I was really looking at the feeling today. I realize that I still cannot help but to desire a father in my life. My whole life I've felt this way. I find myself looking for a father figure to emulate. This empty place I try to fill seems to leave me without a desire to really live. Not to say that I want to die. It's more like I don't know who I am sometimes. I worry of how I will ever be a good father when I don't even know what that's like. Sure I have ideas, mostly based on what I've witnessed growing up. I payed a lot of attention to how father's treat their sons. Sometimes people I meet treat me like their child. I tend to enjoy it and desire more. I feel bad for not doing a side job for some people like that. He even left a message that sounded disappointed saying if I don't want to do the job to at least tell him and maybe recommend someone else who would do a good job. I've been demotivated by this feeling. I want my own father to be one to me. Jamie shows me what I would feel like if growing up I had parents that cared and took even a little interest in my life. Now I'm too old to act like this child I am inside. What can I do aside from trying to make good of the parents I have? But how do I do that? How do I keep from being influenced undesirably by them as I always experience? I love how life talks to me, shows me to myself... is slowly teaching me how to live, and why. This is not a depression. It is a distraction and an additional filter by which outside events are processed within my thoughts of recent encounters. It's difficult to deal with sometimes so I spend a lot of energy trying to just ignore it, which is why it becomes a vague feeling that simply affects me without my full awareness. If anyone can tell me how to deal with this instead of hiding it away, I would be eternally grateful because it ruins my life and it hurts the people I care about. Current Mood:  indescribable | | Tuesday, December 9th, 2008 | | 6:45 pm |
Stuffy home, stuffy head... hmmm...
Because of the dry air situation, my throat is pissed at me. I have to quit smoking for a while. I've been eating somewhat better, but yet am still having poor mental performance and low energy. Maybe I am getting sick. I mean, I will allow such a vacation to occur so long as it's not on the weekend. Surely this functional breakdown does not need to be so drawn out. I'd prefer to be a bad ass version of MacGyver all of the time. So anyways, I did get a humidifier, which helped the temperature stay higher, added to the stuffy feel to the room, and so far has not remedied my waking up with such a dry throat that I can't swallow for 5 or 6 tries. I'm going to wash the bedding tonight and vacuum. And finish sealing that window. Need to find some money resource. | | Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008 | | 6:12 pm |
On stressing
It's easy to cope with physical stress. You have a heavy box, you struggle to pick it up, you put it down. It's done and over. If it's too heavy you find a device or method (like a dolly), or maybe just someone stronger to do it for you. Typically this experience won't affect our mood, or our dreams... Some times it can though if the burden is large and there doesn't seem to be a way to get it accomplished. Time keeps moving as you stand still waiting for an answer. Mental stress seems to be a psychological malfunction. Those who suffer this tend to create a constant pulling upon themselves. "Where is the answer? There is no answer, I'm going to fail... I'm running out of time..." It is counter-productive. These thoughts attract equivocal experiences. To deal with habitual mental regression (usually a learned behavior of negative thought patterns), one must discipline their self to change perspective. To see how anything is possible; how a solution can be provided. Everything has always worked itself out one way or another. Have faith that you are here because you are necessary and important, and therefor will not be neglected of what you need. Rightly all that you experience is a gift given for your benefit. By having a positive outlook on even the most hopeless of situations, a person can and will attract to them all the right elements to resolve their dilemma far more quickly and far less painfully than one who is overcome by fear or worry. Chances are anyone reading this already knows full and well what truth lies within these words. The trouble is never the acting in and of itself, but the remembering how to act to get the desired results. The remembering that you have a choice. Current Mood:  thoughtful | | Thursday, November 20th, 2008 | | 3:47 am |
All doped up...
Sometimes I think the love that is most true must be the result of dopamine released in the brain. I think it fades as we become tolerant to the chemical due to a delayed removal process that fails to get the used-up stuff out fast enough. Our once very loving parents and traumatic events are responsible for our unawareness of our great desire to feel the way we did as infants. We are drawn to each other by this feeling, this chemical. It tells us we can provide it to children together. Dopamine motivates growth. It stimulates mind and body. It is vital to a child's life. Especially while in the womb. It is also vital to an adults life and continued growth. The chemicals in our body are far more necessary and useful than we are taught. Just a feeling of euphoria that leaves you kinda drained a week or two later? No actual purpose to our entire existence through the generations, right? Nothing could be more meaningful than to think God uses these chemical "reactions" to carry out will, making such a chemical response between two people extremely valuable to experience. My perspicacity insists that we are right together. Jamie you amaze me. Current Mood:  rejuvenated | | 3:37 am |
I'm sorry everyone
Not that my life is so amazingly interesting, or my words. (most of the time anyways...) I haven't been very inspired by my life these past well... years... Point is, I should have spoken of this sooner, because it is the single most important thing I have ever known through my lifetime. Looking back at my journal and all the things I gave of myself... I am disappointed in falling so short as you practically bare your souls and all that you care about. All I need is love. It is amazing how this simple but wondrous feeling inspires such positive change in all of my perspectives. I have meaning and purpose again. I remember who I was before I became so depressed all of the time. Life is worth creating again. It's as though life kept her hidden away from my sights through both of our trials and tribulations, when it was likely we would meet too soon. And slowly she was introduced into my life as an infrequent visitor of my brother's now fiance. Nearly 10 months later quite the powerful set of circumstances have my jaw on the floor. Her name is Jamie. A name never associated with wrongness yet spoken on many occasions through pleasant existences. I've said too much. I must be vague. I can't bust out the whole story of such a long time's growing all in one sitting. It wouldn't be fair to you and I wouldn't capture it quite right. It is however, a magical story that must be told! And even while we both have learned to doubt what we've wanted our whole lives by the cycle of painful growth. We are not afraid to have found this. And we are so good to each other. So open, so giving... This is the one I will marry. The one who will rightly be mother of my children. I know this already. I am crazy though. Nothing could be more important to my life than finding this, and I really didn't believe God could one-up the way Dena came in. Figured I was a one act show who blew his chances after she left. How foolish of me. I'm falling asleep now, forgive me. I promise to return, and this time I mean it. Current Mood:  sleepy | | Friday, August 15th, 2008 | | 8:14 pm |
life is pushing me
into a corner again. The setting of previous thought/sentence: The people in my life are outlets for expression and being. These outlets of my energies are addictive. It becomes a place I hide within. The short answer is the egoic mind. The reason it's a corner: I am running out. Exponentially Because I seek more and more from fewer and fewer. It's amazing how I still feel even while knowing that I consciously chose to build my house of cards. I knew what I was getting into and knew how it would end. I warned of it to Dena, as though saying "turn back now if you don't want some painful experiences." I suppose she was more willing than I was. Really I just need more time alone. Gotta sort it out and realize things as what they really are, not what I make of them to cope with pain. It's clear that there is no one tolerant enough to help me, and if I spend too much time around any one person, I'm going to cause harm to those important friendships. It's certainly not their fault that I am so much to deal with. I wasn't until now. They aren't prepared and don't want to be. The important thing is that I can decide who I am going to be again. If I handle things well enough, I'll still have friends when it's over. Current Mood:  artistic | | Sunday, August 10th, 2008 | | 2:02 am |
Never goin back again
Well, I'm still here. Been a couple months now. Gone through a lot of changes. I'm doing better, feeling like my old self again. Remembering things from my past that I forgot about. I have a few people in my life now that I am being close to. Been 5 years since I've had more than just one person I could. I don't feel like I can have a "girlfriend" so to speak. Its going to take some time for me to decide who I want to be again. I got contacts today. Been a few years since I last wore them. I think it helps my confidence. Maybe now I wont get so many headaches. (my glasses were very worn out and got bent and tweaked so many times that they were causing problems). Anyways, I'm going to try and write more like I used to when I was younger. I think it will help me. Current Mood:  melancholyCurrent Music: Matchbox 20 - never going back | | Saturday, May 10th, 2008 | | 2:04 pm |
I think I'm in shock
I mean, there's feelings in here, but they're mostly dark and cold... so why should I want to feel them? The short story is Dena said she's moving on. I don't know where to go with this. Do I try and get her to change her mind? I mean, I love her so much and can't imagine anyone taking her place in my life, but then how can I trust that anyone else would treat her as she deserves... I want to respect her wishes and not make it hard for her. I think I made too many mistakes that brought us here. Clearly I took it for granted. All in all I don't deserve her. I'm going to be a bit more detached than usual I think. Current Mood: melancholyCurrent Music: staind - chapter V | | Thursday, April 24th, 2008 | | 7:09 pm |
if only there was a market for kittens
Babydoll just had her kittens yesterday evening. The others are almost 5 weeks old now and very active. I'll post some pictures later. Got some orange ones this time. | | Saturday, April 19th, 2008 | | 5:35 pm |
busy busy busy
working on Saturday again. At least I'm making money. Tonight I get to sing karaoke with some friends. Yay. Tomorrow I gotta drive Dena and myself to Arlington (hour away) then to Silver Spring (another 45 minutes) for some theater action. First shows at 3 but then the next show is at 8 so we'll have 3-4 hours to occupy ourselves in between the two cities. Well gotta run. | | Sunday, April 13th, 2008 | | 5:32 pm |
Writer's Block: Home Alone
First time I can remember I was 6 I think. I was watching early morning cartoons on a day off from school. My mom had to run out for a few minutes, maybe 30 or 45 at most, I was a good and independent kid. I never answered a phone before, never had to. Well it rang, I answered. I heard an unfamiliar voice say, "Hey Jeff, where's your mom?" "Who are you?" "Your dad," said the voice Suddenly enthusiastic I said "Mike?" "No! Your dad, Joe! Tell her to call me when she gets back" He sounded hurt. I felt like I was in trouble. My mom told me not to let Joe know that she told me about my "real dad" because he didn't want her to tell me about it since it would change things to find out I had been lied to my whole life. I didn't see it that way, Mom had a way of explaining things to make it work in my head. I remember thinking that I wouldn't have to be poor my whole life because HE might actually have something to offer... Selfish and ungrateful for my overburdened family. Lotta issues connected with this helped condition me for social dysfunction, but I suppose I'm happy more than not. I still have trouble calling people or answering the phone when not work related, and I think this simple little event is the entire cause for it. I didn't even touch a phone again after that until I was 14 or 15 and always felt so awkward when on the phone. I think I was 19 when I realized the significance. Don't lie to your kids, teach them how to cope with the truth instead. Current Mood: discontentCurrent Music: Jack playin the 80's | | Friday, April 11th, 2008 | | 5:42 pm |
Writer's Block: Lost & Found
Karaoke night with friends every week... A vehicle of my own... A portable music device that doesn't suck (zune \ / ) | | Sunday, February 17th, 2008 | | 6:25 pm |
| | Sunday, January 27th, 2008 | | 8:36 pm |
Wonderfalls
Dena pointed out the series on DVD at Bj's a couple weeks ago, so I bought it for her. Apparently it was one of those trials from a few years ago that made a full season, but only got 4 episodes aired before Fox canceled it. I watched the whole thing through, and actually found it very interesting. The story centers around a small tourist town at Niagara Falls, consisting primarily of a gift shop and a bar. The focus is on Jay, a 23 year old female who has a strange trauma that leads to her seeing and hearing inanimate animals talk to her. They tell her to do stuff and if she refuses they sing to her and keep her up all night... They are always vague but each time they direct her towards helping others in a fairly miraculous way. It's a good character-based show too. Her sister is an immigration lawyer, and a secretive lesbian. Her brother is a philosopher. Her whole family, including both of her parents, remain involved in her life throughout. She has a close friend and also a love interest that twists in many directions. Oh and Jewel Staite has a role in some of the later episodes, she plays as a manipulative and seemingly vindictive woman. I found the plots to be interesting, and the characters tragically chaotic, but very likable. I would recommend it to anyone who enjoyed Firefly. | | Wednesday, January 16th, 2008 | | 9:16 pm |
Not the writing type I guess
I don't know what's been going on with me lately. About a week ago I was very energetic and clear headed. I had powerful thoughts and even affected a few lives in a positive way. I started the Luminosity.com mental training program advertised on LJ's home page. The first two days I kicked major ass, but today I can hardly do anything. My mind isn't working right. I keep mixing up words at work, thinking it right but not saying what I was thinking. It's weird. I can't remember ever feeling so dull and dim witted. I don't feel sick though. Its more like something has gone wrong chemically. The vitamins aren't helping. I have a lot on my plate too. I've been more social lately, hanging out with my brother and his friends, and they are actually calling and wanting me to come out more, which I am regretting not being able to handle it, because they'll give up and forget about me. I bought a Cd for the first time in nearly 2 years. Incubus- light grenades. I've actually been listening to it non stop since my zune broke and the FM radio waves suck. There's always one song that stands out in a Cd I like. This one is called  | | Sunday, September 30th, 2007 | | 4:27 pm |
Are you walking the straight and narrow? This is a question I initially wrote in a more sarcastic manner than it lets on. The details came in response to the first 6 answers. It was inspired by my unusually brimstone response to this question asked by someone whose questions I generally enjoy answering. She married a man with Asperger's and has a child who is AS. Here is a quote of her profile in Answers: "{I consider myself a Social Libertarian with a pinch of anti-corporation Green party. Favorite sayings: "Free speech includes unpopular speech" "Children do not belong in institutions" "The truth, as always, is more complicated" "I am pro-choice - about all choices."}" | | Saturday, September 22nd, 2007 | | 9:27 pm |
| | Tuesday, August 28th, 2007 | | 12:03 am |
Current Mood: pensive | | Monday, August 13th, 2007 | | 1:32 pm |
Disclaimer:
I am damaged to you.
I've investigated the matter in attempt to discover the cause and undo such as this.
<I think I have improved in your eyes.>
But you may forget <this> when you see me failing again. I am in fact permanently damaged and cannot be repaired.
Don't take this the wrong way.
I am not suggesting for a second that you are to blame for my behavior.
My methods of acting, and being : often consist entirely of my reactions to you-being-you.
Meet me half way please.
Many of you seem to hate me for it.
Others hate themselves at who I "turn them into" or bring to the surface.
Try to have understanding
It is really just us being ourselves in vicinity of each other, and nothing more.
If you could simply accept me for who I am.
Through the knowledge that I cannot help but be who I am.
The way I try to you.
Then we can co-exist in a peaceful manner.
A co-operative one that brings us all something good.
I know you cannot truly understand me and why I am.
Because you may not have experienced this first-hand. Or if you have, then maybe you've despised the fact : you had this.
And you want to keep forgetting. So I won't force you to try and do what I am asking of you. All though you are,
I won't require for you to be my friend, associate, employer, or family. As of this moment, I find that I have no choice but to limit my contact with people
whom I have determined cannot control their own behavior and
end up having an adverse affect on my own behavior, all the while expecting that I should be able to control the things of which I cannot, to suite another's level of comfort and taste. This continued conflict causes great suffering to my existence
The people who have stuck with me and encouraged me to live for me,
they do not deserve to have to deal with the me that spends time around you. I don't have to be around you,
But I do have to be affected by you when I am around you.
So that I can understand you.
You have to control your own self if you will expect the same of me.
Show me how to live, because that is what you are already doing. I wanted to help you.
I wanted you to have a better life too,
even though it has not been bad enough for you to have to make the choice between
death and making it better. I am deeply touched by the pain of others who I cannot help,
but to care about them and desire for them to have a better life.
This is not your fault, although you came to me for a reason. It is difficult for me to not take action in this regard. Im sorry for seeing you in the path of the proverbial bucket full of water
you placed over the door you intend to walk through. Im certain that it is helpful to point this out to you until you see it for (what it is to you).
How can you know how to avoid the danger you fail to see in front of you? When I look at the picture and see something that you don't,
And I describe it to you.
You don't have to see it as I do.
You just have to see it. Because we are all staring at the same picture.
And we are all within this image. Current Mood: melancholy |
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